CW: Cancer, death, major depression
So once again I have gone waaay to long in between posts. Life has been crazy and I’ll do my best to catch whoever might be reading this up. As well I find this blog cathartic in a sense of getting out into a journal type entry. It’s part of my healing process so here we go.
My depression and anxiety have been spiraling out of control for months. As well my migraine have been getting more frequent and is having alarming new neurological symptoms that I believe I shared in my last blog post. My doctors and I have been working on adjusting both since February when my insurance kicked in. Only in the past couple of weeks have I really felt that things are improving. As far as mental health the depression had gotten so bad that I actually called the suicide helpline one morning as those types of thoughts had gotten overwhelming. I’m much better now, those thoughts are gone. It’s pretty much just apathy and struggling to not fall into a curl up in a blanket and lose myself in thought mode. I’m having more and more energy and things are getting marginally easier and to be honest after a lifetime of dealing with this “marginally easier” is fucking fantastic. Anxiety is still being a bitch but it’s been a week or so since I last had a panic attack so I’m gonna call that an improvement.
In case I didn’t cover it in my past post my migraines had gone from 1 or 2 a month to like 15-20 a month. They also have started mimicking a stroke, which was scary as fuck the first time it happened. It’s still scary but I at least know if I don’t lose consciousness it’s a migraine. My left side is always the one that goes numb and weak, I get really confused and when I try to talk my brain feels like your stomach would going down the hill of a roller coaster. Weird description I know but it’s the best I got. Meds have been switched up a few times over the past few months and now we are down to like 5-10 a month and the pain is pretty much gone or manageable and the other weird symptoms have gotten milder.
As far as the family emergency part that’s the most recent. A couple of months ago my Mamaw (maternal grandmother) went to the hospital because of the intense pain she was in. Long story short they diagnosed her with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and told her she probably had 2-3 months to live. I did get to go see her and spend about a week up there. It was tough but I’m so very grateful I got that. Her last wish was to see all the family and thankfully everyone got a chance to see her before she passed. She went peacefully in her sleep on Aug 21st with my mom and uncle by her side. We are having the memorial on her birthday. To say I’m devastated would be an understatement. I do believe in life after death and have worked and spoken with my Papaw (maternal grandfather and my mamaw’s husband) before at my altar, doing rituals, and in my dreams. It’s still different though, and I’m trying to process my grief as healthily as I can.
I have started to see a therapist as well. I really like her and I feel like it’s helping a lot. Right now I’m just trying to take things one day at a time.